Rachel’s first pregnancy ended with a miscarriage. Her pregnancy was early and unknown to most of the world around her, so her grief was also silent and alone. The next year she gave birth to a happy and healthy baby and thought her journey with miscarriage was over. It was not.
Silent Grief & Undiagnosed Depression
12 weeks into her third pregnancy she told friends and family they were expecting another baby. The next day she started bleeding and was put on bedrest, but that baby, too, did not survive. After this miscarriage, Rachel developed undiagnosed Post Partum Depression. She felt forgotten and unsupported by those around her, including her health care provider.
Rachel got pregnant again, but pregnancy was no longer anxiety-free. Although there were several scares along the way, this baby was also delivered alive and happy.
Struggles with Healthcare Providers
Knowing they wanted a large family, Rachel got pregnant a 5th time. Due to changing insurance Rachel had to pick a new medical provider who did not take her history or concerns seriously, and when Rachel went in for a 10 week check up this baby did not have a heartbeat. Rachel was given a medication to induce labor and sent home.
After miscarrying this baby, Rachel felt forgotten and abandoned by the healthcare provider: no follow up call or appointment was made to see if the medication had been successful or to ask how Rachel was doing.
When Rachel got pregnant a 6th time, she went to yet a different medical provider who took her history and concerns seriously. After a few scares, this baby was also delivered bouncing and alive.
Lack of Emotional Support
A few years after living baby number 3 was born, Rachel felt ready to try again for a 4th living child. They continued with the same medical provider as with the previous baby and all seemed to be going well. The first trimester past. Half way through this pregnancy, Rachel stared bleeding and was told to go to the Emergency Room to be checked out as it was over the weekend.
After what seemed an eternity, a sonogram showed this baby boy did not have a heartbeat. Rachel and her husband were devastated. As soon as the nurse and doctor left the room, Rachel and her husband clung together, sobbing.
When this triage nurse brought Rachel to the Labor and Delivery Unit, she brought her past a special room used to clean and take care of babies born still. This room was dedicated to her daughter: she let Rachel knew that she, too, knew what it was like to lose a baby.
Knowing that there was a nurse on the Labor and Delivery Unit who got what she was going through and was still standing brought Rachel hope.
While this nurse was not Rachel’s nurse for her delivery, knowing that there was a nurse on the unit who got what she was going through and was still standing brought Rachel hope: not so much in the present but when she was looking back on the heartbreaking day she delivered Promise.
Despite this, while the physical care Rachel received from the nurses was excellent, there was no emotional support, and no one to tell Rachel what to do next, or what real options she had in terms of burying her baby, letting the hospital cremate him, or connecting her to any real resources for when she left the hospital.
Navigating the Grief of Stillbirth
Knowing that funerals and caskets were expensive, Rachel and her husband chose to have the hospital cremate their small son. When they left the hospital, they left with no baby and a small box with black-and-white pamphlets in it: while well intentioned, this box felt impersonal, cold, and full of overwhelming information sent at the wrong time.
Losing a baby to miscarriage is no less devastating, but the grief when delivering and holding an actual small human who has no life in his little body is different. Not knowing what to do, Rachel asked her two good friends who had also lost babies how to process the journey. She was connected to an exclusive, mostly online loss mom community which began the process of making her feel seen and also one that remembered her son with her.
Rachel was connected to an exclusive, mostly online loss mom community, which began the process of making her feel seen and also one that remembered her son with her.
Later that year, Rachel got pregnant an 8th time, this time going back to the medical provider who had delivered her first and second live babies. Again, she made it into the second trimester. In the second trimester she was diagnosed with complete placenta previa and put on modified bedrest. When Rachel’s water broke early, she had no idea the check up would show that this son also had no heartbeat. But it did.
Because of the placenta previa, Rachel had a c-section to deliver her second stillborn son. When she was admitted to the Labor and Delivery unit, the nurse who started her IV in preparation for surgery shared she had also lost a baby. Again, there was a nurse who knew a small bit of what Rachel was going through and provided Rachel with hope as she looked back on that second terrible day.
While her doctor and the nurses caring for her took great care of her physical body, there was again a lack of knowledge and direction for resources for what to do with the baby and how to move forward. Knowing this was her second stillborn son seemed to make the staff think she knew what she was doing, when in reality Rachel and her husband were in the same boat as before.
Looking back, there were several things they wish they had done differently had they only known what to do. As Rachel became more involved in the Loss Mom community she realized her passion was to use her skills, as a nurse with a master’s degree in counseling, with her personal experience as a loss mom having had three miscarriages and two stillborn sons, to help future loss moms know what to do and connect them with resources when they first learned their baby did not have a heartbeat.
As a medical professional herself, Rachel also wanted to show support to the medical staff at these hospitals, birthing centers, and doctor’s offices — because these deaths are hard on the nurses and doctors, too.
Founding Unspoken Motherhood
Rachel pursued different avenues to begin advocating for these Unspoken Mothers and was encouraged by midwives, doctors, Labor and Delivery Managers, and nurses that this was much needed and she should start a nonprofit. Surrounded by people, starting with her husband, who believed in her, supported her, encouraged her, and connected her with resources, Rachel started Unspoken Motherhood Inc in 2022 — one year after her stillborn sons were born.
Rachel wants all mothers who miscarry to be seen, loved, and the lives of their babies validated, no matter how small they were, and to acknowledge they will always be part of their family. She wants mothers who go to the hospital to deliver a stillborn baby, with little to no warning or preparation beforehand, to know the resources that are available to them and to have someone standing with them who knows what it is like to lose a baby, and is also comfortable and safe in the hospital setting.
Rachel wants all mothers who miscarry to be seen, loved, and the lives of their babies validated, no matter how small they were, and to acknowledge they will always be part of their family.
Her mission is to bridge the gap between Unspoken Mothers and their health care providers so when these mothers think back to when they “first found out” they remember the love and care they got, and even the hope they saw from someone who had walked that road a little before them, in the middle of the grief and trauma. Because, even the littlest ones belong.